1 day ago
Way Out --->
All my life I've lived a lie. Everything I do is faking, pretending, hiding behind masks because who I am is apparently so dreadful that it cannot be shown to the waking world without inducing countless nightmares in the innocent populace. When I do show myself, when I do let myself be real, everything gets ruined. I alienate people, I hurt the ones I love. I can't have a good time and I can't let myself relax because bad things happen.
Where do I go now? I feel like I'm always dying on the inside. When will I finally die and be the frozen shell that can function and smile to those around her?
I am so, so tired of fighting.
Excuse the mess.
I'm renovating ^^ If you're feeling masochistic have at the archives.
It will be fun!
Really!!
Duh.
Had a major "no shit, Sherlock" moment earlier today. Since I apparently can't keep a job to save my life I moved back in with my parents to try to get back on my feet (yeah that's working SUPER well), and of course as religious as they are I'm dragged to church every Sunday. Just to make it clear church makes me feel terrible. I feel judged, overwhelmed, highly emotional, and often invisible. So I was sitting there pouting thinking about stuff and something became so ridiculously obvious that I have no idea how I missed it before.
I've spent YEARS building up walls to hide how I really feel, both from myself and others, and they work. Great. So why am I expecting people to see that I'm in pain?
They don't. Those walls have become so perfect that I just come across as a petulant bitch. Sorry if I don't like beingmolested hugged by complete strangers and that I don't bloody well want to smile at you and your bratty kids. SO VERY SORRY if I'd rather be in bed at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning. The fact still remains that not all of my attitude is anger at where I am. A lot of it is pain at being overlooked, ignored, unwanted, shuffled around like baggage, and being fat. No I don't want to tear the walls down. I'm tired of being a constant emotional wreck and yeah, probably it will lead to 'healing' or something but I don't want people to mistake my fucked up brain chemicals for a religious experience and try to pray for me.
Please don't pray for me. I might have to hurt you and nobody wants that.
In the end though I have to figure out what to do about these walls. If I leave them in place I'll be alone forever but if I take them down I have to face all the reasons as to why I think I should be alone forever anyway. It's easier to just ignore it and crawl back into bed.
I've spent YEARS building up walls to hide how I really feel, both from myself and others, and they work. Great. So why am I expecting people to see that I'm in pain?
They don't. Those walls have become so perfect that I just come across as a petulant bitch. Sorry if I don't like being
Please don't pray for me. I might have to hurt you and nobody wants that.
In the end though I have to figure out what to do about these walls. If I leave them in place I'll be alone forever but if I take them down I have to face all the reasons as to why I think I should be alone forever anyway. It's easier to just ignore it and crawl back into bed.
Dissolutions
