Had a major "no shit, Sherlock" moment earlier today. Since I apparently can't keep a job to save my life I moved back in with my parents to try to get back on my feet (yeah that's working SUPER well), and of course as religious as they are I'm dragged to church every Sunday. Just to make it clear church makes me feel terrible. I feel judged, overwhelmed, highly emotional, and often invisible. So I was sitting there pouting thinking about stuff and something became so ridiculously obvious that I have no idea how I missed it before.
I've spent YEARS building up walls to hide how I really feel, both from myself and others, and they work. Great. So why am I expecting people to see that I'm in pain?
They don't. Those walls have become so perfect that I just come across as a petulant bitch. Sorry if I don't like beingmolested hugged by complete strangers and that I don't bloody well want to smile at you and your bratty kids. SO VERY SORRY if I'd rather be in bed at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning. The fact still remains that not all of my attitude is anger at where I am. A lot of it is pain at being overlooked, ignored, unwanted, shuffled around like baggage, and being fat. No I don't want to tear the walls down. I'm tired of being a constant emotional wreck and yeah, probably it will lead to 'healing' or something but I don't want people to mistake my fucked up brain chemicals for a religious experience and try to pray for me.
Please don't pray for me. I might have to hurt you and nobody wants that.
In the end though I have to figure out what to do about these walls. If I leave them in place I'll be alone forever but if I take them down I have to face all the reasons as to why I think I should be alone forever anyway. It's easier to just ignore it and crawl back into bed.
I've spent YEARS building up walls to hide how I really feel, both from myself and others, and they work. Great. So why am I expecting people to see that I'm in pain?
They don't. Those walls have become so perfect that I just come across as a petulant bitch. Sorry if I don't like being
Please don't pray for me. I might have to hurt you and nobody wants that.
In the end though I have to figure out what to do about these walls. If I leave them in place I'll be alone forever but if I take them down I have to face all the reasons as to why I think I should be alone forever anyway. It's easier to just ignore it and crawl back into bed.
September 13, 2011 10:25 AM
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've built those walls up so well, I don't think even Attila the Hun and his entire army could break through it. And it's about as epically reinforced as ever now, after the last time I attempted to let my guard down....
I ca totally sympathize with the church thing, too. Mum and I stopped going because we both got sick of the hypocrisy, but Dad and Step-mom are Born Again. That's why I never stay over their house anymore. :/ I have no problem with anyone's beliefs, but I have a serious problem with someone else's beliefs being shoved down my throat.
...I made that pretty clear last time I was dragged to church with them, tho. :D They had communion that Sunday (some Wonder bread and grape juice, which is totally weird) and I refused both, telling Dad and Step-mommy that I couldn't touch it because it hadn't been blessed by a priest. I love pulling the Catholic defense with them...
It is definitely easier to leave the walls up, and it will be a difficult task to break them down, but in the end I think it's better. No one deserves to be alone forever. <3
September 18, 2011 5:01 PM
wanna understand churches? wiki up "totalitarianism". they're a barely-disguised power structure. they need very little disguise because their victims welcome the rod that is wielded over them. marx was right, religion's the opiate of the masses.
my open message to ALL religions is simple. if i don't accept your shackles, i don't have to look grateful when you let me out of them - if you ever do. God i believe in - churches i do not. i have yet to meet, hear, or even hear OF anyone qualified to tell me what God wants or thinks.
have to admit i like the Rainbo Bread and Welch's though....still, i just buy them off the shelf (at a much better price, and i don't have to listen to some yammerhead giving God his marching orders from the pulpit).
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